I Don't Know How
by CrazySerena13
Summary: Set before, during, and after the episode The Blonde Squad. This is part of the Victoriously Jade Series.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hey, I'm not even sure if anyone is really reading Victorious fanfiction anymore, but I got an idea at like 4am and couldn't sleep, so I finally just got out my laptop and started writing. To anyone that reads my Victoriously Jade series, this does take place in that world. You don't have to read Victoriously Jade to understand it though. Much like I did with Wrecking Ball (also takes place in Victoriously Jade world) I had and idea and didn't feel like waiting to get to Season Three to write it. Basically it's the same with this story. This story takes place right before, during, and directly after The Blonde Squad episode. I'm pretty sure it will have three parts to it. I've had bits and pieces of all three parts written for awhile, and this morning figured out a way to get them all to work together. Yay for insomnia!

I don't have a beta, I'm sure there are going to be some ridiculous mistakes in here. I will come back and fix them later. I figure if I don't publish this now I never will. Please let me know if you like it, hate it, whatever (just try to be nice about it, I have no problem with criticism, but can't stand it when people are just RUDE.) I'm a bit of a review whore, and the more I get, the quicker I tend to write/update. (It isn't intentional, it's just nice to know people enjoy something you worked hard on, you know?)

Enjoy?

 **I Don't Know How**

 **Part One**

"Seriously?!" I shout, as my left foot kicks open the door to the student lounge, making a loud BANG and causing all four male occupants of the room to jump, and even making one squeal. I stomped up to Beck, interrupting whatever conversation he is having with Sinjin, Andre, and Robbie. Beck must have been going over some of the technical aspects with them about the shoot tomorrow, since they were all leaning over a diagram he had spread across a small table. All four guys heads whipped in my direction the second I enter the room, and they each take an involuntary step backwards, as I charge towards them. "You ask me to do a favor to be in your stupid film. Auditioning is just for show, I can't look like I am picking favorites. Please Jade, help me out," I begin to quote him in my all purpose manly voice. "And then this-" I sneer, and slap my stapled script into his chest, "is the shit part you give me?"

"Oh come on Jade, it's not that bad, you will be ama-" Andre begins to say.

"OUT!" I interrupt Andre, and point to the door, barely giving him a second glance.

"Um, all right…..I was just going to go pick up Larry anyway. It's almost time to film his first scene," Andre begins to ramble. "The bird can't be late for his big break, we'd never hear the end of it. Ha! Get it? Cause he can talk and…" I slowly turn my head to look at him and narrow my eyes into angry slits. "Yeah, um, I'm just gonna go now." Andre gulps quickly, grabs his coat and runs out of the room, Robbie and Sinjin follow closely behind him.

"Hey, where are you guys going?" Beck asks nervously, rubbing his hand through his hair.

He really needs to not do that right now. I'm fucking pissed as hell at him. He needs to stop that...that hand through his hair thing. He always does that when he's really nervous or uncomfortable about something. A small part of me wants to reach out and run my hands through those locks just one more time…...what? NO.

I shake me head once to clear the fog that Beck's stupidly gorgeous hair momentarily put on my brain. I'm fucking pissed at him. Gorgeous hair or not. He's an asshole.

"Uh- gotta go check the wigs!" Robbie yells, refusing to turn around.

"Birdseed! Gotta get birdseed!" Sinjin's squeeks.

I turn my attention back to Beck in time to see him sigh and grab the bridge of his nose in frustration. "What's your problem with the part?"

"Uh, my problem? You want to know what my 'problem' is with this joke of a part? My problem is I hardly have any lines-"

" _YOU_ told me you were too busy rehearsing and performing with your band and could only film one night this week," Beck interrupts me.

"Well why did you have to make _ME_ the dumb one? I could have been the evil brunette, all her scenes can be shot in only one night too." I argue, crossing my arms.

In the past, back when Beck and I were a couple, he would always create and write a character with me in mind. I was almost always the villain in his screenplays, and I loved it. So I can't understand why the fuck he would have me play the slutty idiot now.

"Everyone expects me to cast you as the villain," Beck shrugs. "Just like everyone expects me to cast Cat as the ditz. Casting you as the dumb one and Cat as the brilliant one is unexpected," he explains with a half grin.

"But yet somehow Vega still gets to be the lead," I say sarcastically. "Shocker!"

"Tori was the best fit for that part. Plus she is able to film every night this week, and-"

"Yeah, yeah," I cut him off, rolling my eyes, not in the mood to hear him gush about Tori fucking Vega. Again. I lean against the table with an aggravated sigh.

Beck and I both fall into an uneasy silent for a moment. I suddenly seem to be fascinated with the carpeted floor, and the chip in my nail polish on my right thumb. I can hear the wrinkling of paper as Beck can't seem to stop twisting my script back and forth thru his hands.

"So um, how are you?" Beck finally breaks the tension. "I mean, how have you been?"

I bite my lower lip for a moment. "I've been," I shrug, standing up and grabbing my script back from Beck's hands, my thumbs inadvertently brushing his fingers softly as I grabbed the bundle of paper. I'm sure I imagined that small gasp I heard from Beck when my thumb grazed his hand. It was nothing. Even if it felt like an electric shock to me (God I've missed that feeling!) he doesn't look affected at all. Right. Why would he be? We broke up.

I start walking towards the door. "I really do hate this fucking part Oliver," I tell him as I turn around once I'm a safer distance away from him, and lean one arm against the door frame, crossing my right leg in front of my left.

"I knew you would," Beck surprises me by saying quietly, walking up to me. "But it's good for you to step out of your comfort zone once in awhile," he says, he raised both hands a moment like he was going to rub them down my arms, but suddenly caught himself. He quickly threw his arms down and his side and glanced down at his scuffed combat boots.

"You _DO_ realize I'm the lead singer of a band and we play at the Gorilla Club every weekend, right?" I ask, arching an eyebrow at him.

Beck rolls his eyes. "Yeah, because the Gorilla Club makes you **so** uncomfortable," he scoffs, gently knocking me with his elbow..

I stare back at him in shocked surprise. I mean, yeah, as a customer, I'm totally cool with that place. It's my version of a Chuck E Cheese's. But as a paid performer, um…...not so much. Their clientele isn't exactly known for being the most friendly and encouraging type of people. Daniels only asked me to sing in the band a couple weeks ago. It's all still pretty new to me. I mean, Ryder's still a senior in high school, but it's only because he had to repeat a year back in middle school. All the other guys are in their mid twenties. Doesn't Beck have any idea how stressful that is on me? I'm only 17, (as they like to remind me EVERY FUCKING DAY) and if I flake out or fuck up, there are a hundred other girls just waiting to take my place.

I know Beck and I have been broken up for a few months, but he _WAS_ my boyfriend for three fucking years. Out of anyone, he should know my insecurities. Should understand what it's like for me to perform feeling like if you hit one wrong note- you're done. Like you have to be perfect every fucking time. Because if you aren't- there's twenty Vega's just waiting to replace you. He used to understand that about me. But…..now...well, we are not together. He doesn't HAVE to remember all that shit anymore.

I hate that I still expect him to.

"You know, as soon as I cast you in that part I had to change her name to Tawny," Beck says to me with a sheepish grin.

"Ha! I knew it!" I clap my hands together at Beck's admission. "I _TOLD_ Cat and Vega that you did it on purpose. Name this stupid bimbo after my favorite character from The Scissoring," I can't quite hide the smile that's attempting to stretch across my face. "That's just mean." Beck just grins at me. There's a couple beats of silence, but unlike before, this was a rather comfortable one.

"You know," he says after a minute or so, "this is not only the longest time we've been alone together at the same time, it's also the longest conversation I think we've had since before, um, well, you know," Beck says almost gently.

I feel my body stiffen at his words. "Really? I hadn't noticed," I say it like it doesn't matter, like I haven't been a hollow shell of myself these past couple months. "Been kinda busy with the band, and-" Suddenly we hear the sound of shattering glass, and I feel my phone vibrate on my hip. I fish it out of my pocket and read the text. I sigh and smirk. "Speaking of the band, Ryder is demanding to know why the fuck I'm 15 minutes late to rehearsal. Shit," I flip my phone so Beck can get a glimpse of it. "I better get going. I'm sure the idiots are probably doing a beer bong or something while waiting for me. I've gotta get there before they get too hammered," I explain, with maybe the smallest hint of an apology in my tone. Maybe.

So I slightly exaggerated just how quickly I needed to get to rehearsal. Yeah, the guys (and I) all tend to drink when we are rehearsing and performing, but not quite to the extreme I made it sound. But I am starting to feel like I am being slowly suffocated in that room, with just Beck and I. It was starting to feel like old times for a minute- joking about the character's name change- and as much as I love and want at least a friendship with him- it HURTS. It hurts so damn bad.

"Be careful Jade," Beck says seriously, and I just roll my eyes and begin to walk away. "I'll see you here, tomorrow night at seven, right?" Beck calls after me, just before I turn the corner.

"I'll be here," I yell, not bother to turn around, concentrating on texting Ryder back.

"Oh and Jade?"

"Yeah?" I turn around curiously, wondering what Beck forgot to tell me.

"Watch out for broken glass," he says in a sing-song voice with a smirk, nodding towards the phone in my hand.

I smile coyly. "Or else you will fall down on you ass!" I sing some of the additional lyrics I had added to my favorite song of Shapiro's. I hear Beck's laughter follow me down the hallway and out the door of Hollywood Arts.

A/N: SO...let me know what you think! Oh...and my Matt- the ending is just for YOU!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry it has been so long between updates. I was conflicted about the way to start this chapter, and wrote at least four different versions, all beginning at different points in the episode. I also had initially planned on having only three parts to this story, but after a lot of debating I decided that I am going to break up what was originally going to be the middle chapter into two separate parts, since I think that the story will flow better that way.**

 **Thank you so much to all the people who have reviewed this story. You have no idea how a couple of sentences about my writing can totally turn my whole day around.**

 **Anyway,, I hope that you enjoy this next installment!**

 **I Don't Know How**

 **Part Two**

"No really, it's okay Cat. I get it," I say into my phone for the third time, sighing. "Just be careful with this Evan guy. You don't know anything about him," I can't help but caution her. I can't believe that Vega's stupid blond experiment worked and Cat managed to pick up a random guy after two minutes of being alone at Nozu. "Just promise me you won't gush all about it tomorrow. I don't feel like dealing with Vega's gloating. I had to deal with enough of her bullshit since you stuck me alone with her at Nozu."

"Are you sure you don't need me there? Maybe Evan and I should come and- "

"No!" I interrupt her, not wanting to be forced to make small talk with my best friend's boy toy of the month. "I mean…..Andre should be here any minute, so it's not a big deal."

"Thanks Jade, you're the best!" Cat giggles into the phone, and I punch the end call button and slam my phone down on the table and angrily take a couple large gulps from the rum and coke the older guys in the band had bought for me, before dialing Andre's phone number AGAIN.

"H-"

"Where the fuck are you Andre?!" I hiss into the phone the second I hear that someone answers it. "You _promised_ me you would be here. The band is all ready for me to perform my new song tonight- remember? And we are supposed to go onstage in like fifteen minutes! I know it's only one song, but I've never sang anything like this before…...you know- something that I wrote everything for all by myself? And you swore you wouldn't miss-"

"Um, Jade?" I hear a voice interrupt me, and my heart stops when my mind registers the fact that although I easily recognize the voice on the other end of the line- it definitely isn't Andre's.

"Beck?! Why the fuck are you answering Andre's phone?!"

"Because at the moment he is climbing on the rafters over the Blackbox Theater, trying to get to his Grandma's stupid bird. We've been stuck at school chasing this damn thing for hours," Beck answers me.

"Well…..you...you don't just answer someone else's phone Beck!" I yell at him, flustered. "And…..and if you DO, then you tell the person immediately that you aren't the person they called," I down the rest of my drink and signal to my band mates that I need another one.

"This is like the fifth time you've called in ten minutes. I figured I should make sure that everything was okay," Beck says using his soothing tone, attempting to calm me down. "I would never forgive myself if there was some kind of an emergency, or you were hurt or something, and I could have done something to help, if I'd only answered Andre's phone."

It's been awhile since I've heard him talk to me like that, like he actually gives a shit about me. I wince at the stab of longing I feel after I realize that maybe because he caught me off guard, it's the first time that I have _allowed_ myself to hear the caring tone.

"Everything is fi-"

"Wait- you said that you're performing tonight?" Beck cuts me off, his soothing tone gone, and now his voice is filled with confusion. "But it's Thursday. You told me that you only play at The Gorrilla Club on the weekends. You didn't switch performance nights because of my film did you?"

"Of course not!" I instantly reply, annoyed that he thinks I have enough influence over Ryder and the others in the band to make a decision like that.

"Are you sure?" Beck asks, and I can tell from the teasing tone in his voice that he's grinning. An image of him grinning and poking me in my sides while he's busy teasing me flashes in my head, and something in me snaps.

"We booked a gig at The Intersection tonight," I tell him. "It has NOTHING to do with your stupid fucking film. Sorry to burst your super inflated ego Oliver."

"Why didn't you tell us about it? The Intersection's kind of a big deal," Beck asks after a moment.

"I did tell a couple people," I say, taking whatever drink Ryder hands to me and silently mouth the words thank you to him as he plops down on the table next to me.

"Oh…..so you just specifically kept it from me then," Beck says quietly, and is that hurt I hear in his voice? No…..I must be imagining things.

"Look, only Andre and Cat know, and since I don't think either of them are coming tonight it doesn't even matter," I say, a bit flustered. I had never intended on telling Beck anything about tonight, and I'm not even sure how this entire conversation happened.

Damn that stupid bird!

"Jade, we need to talk about the set," Ryder says loud enough for Beck to overhear on his end of the phone. I narrow my eyes at him, knowing that he did it on purpose.

"I gotta go. Look, I'll see you tomorrow," I say quickly and hang up my phone and throw it onto the table with a sigh, and take another big drink of the long island iced tea Ryder brought me. I can't help but make a face at how strong it is, and look at Ryder raising my eyebrows.

"It looked like you needed something stronger than your usual," he shrugged. I just nod my head once in agreement and take another sip. "So why didn't you tell your friends about tonight?" he asks me curiously.

"Honestly?" I ask him, wondering why I'm considering telling Ryder fucking Daniels anything. I may have agreed to sing in his band, but that doesn't mean I trust him.

"Wouldn't be much point in telling me a lie, would there?" he smirks, finishing the beer in his hand and loudly setting the empty bottle on the table.

"Life's been...sucking lately, for awhile now actually. And I've been working on Oliver's stupid film project, which wouldn't be a big deal, except…." I stop talking and shut my eyes, attempting to block the unwanted memory from replaying in my head.

"Except?"

"Except I don't know how, um...nothing," I open my eyes and quickly take another drink. "I just don't feel like I've got the energy to be compared to Vega AGAIN tonight. Which is exactly what will happen. It always does."

"Compared to Vega?" Ryder chuckles. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm tired of coming in second place to her," I surprise both Daniels and myself by this admission.

"Second place?"

"Nothing I ever do is going to be better than perfect Vega," I say bitterly, thinking of how I've just accepted the fact that I will always remain in the shadows. "She just got to perform a song she wrote at the Platinum Music Awards a couple weeks ago. Millions of people watched it," I pause, swallowing down the lump that is rising in my throat, knowing that I was _this close_ to having done it in her place. If only I hadn't seen...well, never mind. It doesn't matter now. "We've got what," I look around the venue quickly, "a couple hundred people here at most? I don't need a bunch of people here silently comparing the difference," I explain to Ryder. "I honestly wouldn't have even told Andre or Cat about it, but I needed Andre to sing with me and Cat overheard us rehearsing together."

"The song you wrote is so much better than the one Tori performed," Ryder assures me. "I'm not going to lie, Vega's voice is good. Really good. I mean, why do you think I tried to con her into performing with me last year?" he asks, and I can't help but roll my eyes and smirk at the memory of Ryder wandering around the stage in utter confusion while Vega sang the song we all helped write. "But your voice….your voice is on another level. And once people hear this song you wrote, they are-"

"We aren't doing my song tonight," I tell him firmly, and quickly take another large drink and draining my glass.

"Why the hell not?"

"Because I don't think Andre's going to be able to make it," I answer him. "There's a…...situation. With a-with a bird. Don't ask."

"Okay. So Andre can't sing it with you tonight. What about me? I bet I know it just as well as Andre does," Ryder says turning towards me. "We already know that our voices mesh well together."

"Thanks, but I don't think so. It's not like it's that good of a song anyway," I tell him. "You can stop lying to me about it. Besides, it's a lot different than the band's normal stuff-"

"Jade," Ryder interrupts me. "It's an amazing song. The band spent all week learning it. It's not fair for you to pull it last minute when I can step in for Andre. Besides," Ryder says, glancing towards the side of the stage, where the other band members are beckoning us. "Looks like it's showtime," he says with a smirk, taking the empty glass from my hand and setting it on the table.

 **A/N: Please, please review and let me know what you think!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: The song used in this chapter is Just Give Me A Reason by Pink ft. Nate Ruess. I urge everyone to go listen to it before reading this chapter. Because it's a duet, and the way I wrote the chapter things may get a bit confusing. That's why you should listen to the song first. All the flashbacks will be in italics. And fun fact about the flashbacks- there are a couple from Victoriously Jade Season One, and all the others will be included in future episodes I write. All the lyrics will be in bold. I hope this isn't too confusing for anyone.**

 **Enjoy?**

* * *

 **I Don't Know How**

 **Part Three**

"You've been a great audience. Thanks for coming out tonight!" I yell into my mic, trying to be heard over the applause that hasn't quite quieted down yet. Before I know what is happening, Ryder grabs the microphone from my hand.

"What the fuck are you doing Daniels?" I hiss at him. All I get in reply to my question is a cocky smile.

"Isn't our new lead singer amazing everyone?" Ryder asks the crowd, gesturing to me while the crowd roars in agreement. I can't help but be a touch flattered- he certainly hasn't singled me out to the crowd the handful of other times I've performed with them. I look back at the rest of the band, who are all looking anywhere but in my direction. Something isn't right…...I whip my head back and eye Ryder suspiciously.

"Don't forget, we are Ryde-Her and the Heathens, and you can see us perform again this weekend at The Gorilla Club," he shouts.

Ugh. I still can't hear the stupid name of his, (well I guess technically it's my band too) without wincing internally. I just know that Ryder thought that he was 'oh so fucking clever' when he came up with it. I turned to walk off the stage, expecting Ryder to say goodnight to the crowd, my one thought on how I desperately need some water to drink, my throat is feeling awfully dry after all the alcohol I had before the show. I silently scold myself. I know better than to have more than a couple shots before I start singing. Even after the couple of water bottles I brought on stage with me to sip between songs, my throat still feels like I swallowed a hand full of sand it's so dry.

"We've got one more song to perform for you tonight," Ryder says to another round of applause. I stop walking and turn to him, shooting daggers at him with my eyes. I know he isn't stupid enough to-

"Our own Jade West wrote both the lyrics and music to this song, and although it's a bit different than what we normally perform, we think you'll like it," Ryder says with a big grin on his face, turning towards me. "Jade?" he tilts the mic towards me. My eyes narrowed into slits and I walk up to Ryder, temporarily turning away from the audience.

"I'm going to fucking kill you for this," I threaten him quietly, and I feel some slight satisfaction as his cocky grin falters and he audibly gulps.

I walk over to Doug, the keyboardist, and grab the drink he has sitting next to him and down the final third that remains in the glass. I can feel the liquor leave a warm trail all the way down to my belly. I force myself to take a deep breath and plaster a smile on my face, as I turn to the crowd, walk up to Ryder and rip the mic from his outstretched hand.

"Okay, so...um, I originally wrote this song for a class project for-" I hear Ryder clear his throat, warning me I'm about to admit to still being in high school. I clear my throat and focus on putting the microphone back in it's stand. "I finished it about a week before my boyfriend and I broke up. It's kinda poetic I guess….I wrote it because I thought he was falling out of love with me and falling for someone else," my voice trails off for a moment. "Three fucking years together…..but, it turns out I was right," I stop myself from talking, realizing I've shared WAY more personal information than I intended to with a bar full of strangers. Damn nerves. I take a deep breath and force a small smirk across my face. "Anyways….always trust your gut people!" I say, before walking up to Pete, our drummer, and downing the remains of his drink. For some reason my throat STILL seems dry and honestly I need all the liquid courage I can get if I have any hope of managing to get through this song.

I grab the second microphone stand and bring it downstage with me and set it a couple feet to the left of the first one.

"So my friend Andre was originally supposed to perform this with me, but apparently he got held up helping with a film project for uh, for someone," I explain, not even wanting to say Beck's name out loud. "No worries though, since Ryder over here has agreed to perform this with me tonight," I say, turning to look at him. "I don't know how I'll ever thank you," I say thru gritted teeth, imagining eight different ways I could break his pinky finger once we get offstage.

"So yeah, I call this song Just Give Me A Reason," I address the crowd. "I hope you like it."

The band begins to play the first notes of the song and I take a deep breath, forcing myself to actually open up and perform the song the way it deserves to be sung. It's not like anyone in the audience knows me. I can afford to show some vulnerability here without having to worry about anyone from Hollywood Arts seeing through my emotional armor. Except Ryder of course, but he doesn't really count.

As I begin to sing, I look out over the audience without really seeing them, memories of the past playing in my head.

 **Right from the start**

 **You were a thief**

 **You stole my heart**

 **And I, your willing victim**

 _"So I guess you're going to be my scene partner," the new kid says, holding his hand out to me. It's the first day of the second semester and I'm sure I've never seen him before. I've been hearing about him all day long though. The new cute guy who just transferred to Hollywood Arts Junior High. The whispers I'd heard about him were right. He WAS cute. He had a cute smile "My name's Beck," he holds his hand out to me, and I just stare at him and arch one eyebrow._

 _"Jade," I say icily, narrowing my eyes at him._

 **I let you see the parts of me**

 **That weren't all that pretty**

 **And with every touch you fixed them**

I felt myself begin to start trembling again and before I knew it Beck had enveloped me in his arms. "Whatever it is, you can tell me." He says quietly into my ear, and kisses my forehead.

"Why does the universe hate me?" I whisper.

 **Now you've been talking in your sleep- oh-oh**

 **Things you never say to me oh-oh**

 **Tell me that you've had enough**

 **Of our love, our love**

 _Beck is talking in his sleep again. "I don't want to do it anymore," he finally manages to mutter a coherent sentence after five minutes of gibberish._

 _"You don't want to do what?" I ask him, wondering what kind of nonsense he will say in response to my question. Sometimes he says the funniest shit, and I quickly grab my pear phone from my nightstand and begin recording._

 _""I've had enough," he answers, and sighs in his sleep. "Ijusssbmmmmff."_

 _"Had enough of what?" I lean in with my phone still on, hoping I will get able to record something that I can tease him with later._

 _"You know…..shhhh...don't tell Jade," Beck mumbles in his sleep, before turning away from me._

 _"Don't tell Jade what?" I ask him, crossing my fingers he says something outrageous._

 _"Mbbbfff like Tori jusssbfff," he mutters._

 _My goofy smile disappears and I lower my pear phone and stop recording and turn away from Beck's sleeping form. Why the fuck did he just mutter Vega's name?_

 **Just give me a reason**

 **Just a little bit's enough**

 _"Why do you have to act so crazy jealous all the time!?" Beck yells at me in the parking lot after I managed to get us kicked out of the restaurant._

 _"The waitress gave you her number right in front of me!"_

 _"I can't control what other people do Jade!"_

 _"But you can control your reaction to it!" I screamed at him._

 _"You're right," Beck says. "I can control my actions. But I don't think you can," he spins around and storms off to his car._

 ** _Just a second we're not broken, just bent_**

 ** _And we can learn to love again_**

 _"It just feels like everything's breaking apart," I tell Cat after another fight between Beck and I ended up with me storming out of his RV._

 _"Maybe stuff isn't breaking apart. Maybe it's just bending into something different," Cat says. "And different doesn't always mean bad Jadey," she tells me quietly, putting her hand on my shoulder. I can't help but roll my eyes as I shake off her hand. Cat looks at me sadly. "Just think about it, before you do something you'll regret."_

 **It's in the stars**

 **It's been written in the scars on our hearts**

 **We're not broken just bent,**

 **And we can learn to love again**

I turn to look at Ryder and am shocked that there is no trace of his normal cocky demeanor. I'm glad he's taking this seriously. He begins to sing, looking straight at me and ignoring the audience. I honestly forgot what a good actor and singer he can be when he chooses to.

 **I'm sorry I don't understand**

 **where all of this is coming from**

 **I thought that we were fine**

 **(oh, we had everything)**

 **Your head is running wild again**

 **My dear we still have everything**

 **And it's all in your mind**

 _"What are you talking about?" Beck asks me._

 _"You already told me you think Tori is pretty!" I scream at him, picking up a throw pillow and chucking it at his head. Beck dodges the pillow and it slams into the wall of his RV._

 _"Yeah, after YOU said that she was pretty!" Beck yells back at me._

 **(Yeah, but this is happening)**

Instead of seeing Ryder singing next to me, I'm picturing a frustrated Beck.

 **You've been having real bad dreams, oh oh**

 **You used to lie so close to me, oh oh**

 _"No, stop!" I shout, lurching up in bed, drenched in sweat and literally trembling from another hellish nightmare._

 _"Shh, Jade, it's okay. I'm here," Beck darts to the bed and sits on it, wrapping his arms around me and brushing the hair from my eyes. "I'm here. I promise, no one can hurt you while I'm around," he assures me, his thumb wiping away the single tear that fell from my left eye. "I'll always be here for you."_

 **There's nothing more than empty sheets**

 **Between our love, our love**

 **Oh, our love, our love**

 _Beck and I are on opposite sides of my queen sized bed._

 _"Can't we talk about it?" he asks._

 _"There's nothing left to talk about," I reply without glancing at him._

 **Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough**

 **Just a little bit's enough**

 **Just a second we're not broken just bent**

 **And we can learn to love again**

 **I never stopped**

 **You're still written in the scars on my heart**

 **You're not broken just bent**

 **And we can learn to love again**

I walk up to Ryder so we are singing this next part face to face, only inches from each other. I can pretend that Ryder is Beck. I can pretend that Beck still loves me.

 **Oh, tear ducts and rust**

 **I'll fix it for us**

 **We're collecting dust**

 **But our love's enough**

 _"I'm just tired of it," Beck says._

 _"So am I," I say. "Finally, we actually agree on somethin_ g."

 **You're holding it in**

 **You're pouring a drink**

 **No nothing is as bad as it seems**

 **We'll come clean**

 _"Jade, haven't you had enough?" Beck asks me, grabbing the vodka bottle out of my hand, causing me to knock my glass over._

 _"I don't know. Have you had enough time to work with Tori on how to handle herself at the Gorilla Club? I'm surprised you even bothered to come over. Doesn't Vega need more help with her acting? Helping her for her audition is oh, so important," I sneer, snatching the vodka bottle back._

 **Just give me a reason**

 **Just a little bit's enough**

 **Just a second we're not broken just bent**

 **And we can learn to love again**

 **It's in the stars**

 **It's been written in the scars on our hearts**

 **That we're not broken just bent**

 **And we can learn to love again**

 _"I just don't understand why YOU have to be the one to help her out all the time. Why does she always ask you for help?" I ask._

 _"It's not like you will help her," Beck says._

 _"You don't see her asking Andre, Cat or Robbie do you? It's always you. If you can't see what she doing, then you're fucking blind."_

 _"And if you can't trust me, then we have a problem," Beck says, and crosses his arms._

 **Just give me a reason**

 **Just a little bit's enough**

 **Just a second we're not broken just bent**

 **And we can learn to love again**

 **It's in the stars**

 **It's been written in the scars on our hearts**

 **That we're not broken just bent**

 **And we can learn to love again**

 _"Is this what I think it is?" I ask, and Beck just smiles at me as I pick up the matching necklaces and examine them._

 _"I remember you said how cool it would be to transform some of the washers and nuts and bolts and stuff into jewelry when I was fixing my RV awhile ago," Beck shrugs. "After you went home that night I grabbed two of the washers you were playing with." he gestures to it. "I hope you like it."_

 _"Are you kidding me?" I ask, still a bit stunned that he remembered some random comment I made in passing and turned it into the perfect gift for me. "This is amazing," I say and stand up and kiss him. "Hurry up and put it on me. I want to see what it looks like!" I give him a necklace and turn around, holding up my hair._

 _I feel him put it around me and he leans in to kiss where my neck meets my shoulder blades. "Did you read the inscription?"_

 _"You got them inscribed?" I feel my face break out into a smile and I try to read what the ring around my neck says on the inside, but it is too tight. Beck laughs at me. "Look at the other one. It says the same thing. Then you can put that one on me."_

 _I turn around and pick up the matching necklace and hold the ring up into the light. "I pick the shadows," I read out loud, and feel my insecurities start to melt away._

 _"Every damn time," he smiles._

 **Oh, we can learn to love again**

 **Oh, we can learn to love again**

 **Oh, oh, that we're not broken just bent**

 **And we can learn to love again**

We end the song with only centimeters separating us. The crowd erupts in cheers, and the next thing I know Ryder has grabbed me in a huge bear hug, lifting me up off the ground.

"I told you the song was amazing," he whispers into my ear, and for a moment I can't completely hide the smile that threatens to spread across my face.

"Ugh, put me down Daniels," I reply once I regain my composure. "You're making us look like idiots."

Ryder just laughs and sets me down and we walk off the stage with the rest of the band.

"Just listen to that reaction. They loved us," Pete, the drummer, says. "Maybe we do need to diversify our set list a bit. You written any other songs Jade?"

"I bet she has a ton of gems just collecting dust in her room, don't you?" Ryder asks me.

"Eh, I'm not a fan of showcasing my real emotions to people," I tell them.

"You two were really good out there. If I didn't know better, I would swear that you two had hooked up at some point," Pete tells us, "I'm going to go get us all a couple rounds of shots," Pete and Doug go off to the bar, leaving Ryder and I alone backstage.

Ryder turns to me. "You really were awesome,"

"Hey Daniels!" the bar's manager comes up to us. "Call me tomorrow. We definitely want to book you guys again," he says, and rushes out to do something on the stage. We both wait a second and then huge smiles erupt.

"Yes!" Ryder shouts, sweeping me off of my feet and into a huge bear hug. He spins me around in his arms twice, making me laugh. Suddenly it's like he remembers himself, and he stops abruptly and sets me down.

"Sorry," he says quickly. "I know how you are about people touching you without your permission."

"Eh, I'll let it slide this time," I can't help but grin. Between the crowd's reaction to my song, the knowledge that we are going to book another gig here, and the alcohol I've had tonight, I'm in too good of a mood to care. "I was pretty fucking good out there, wasn't I?" I playfully hit him on the shoulder.

"Yeah, you really were," he says seriously, and carefully tucks an errant lock of hair behind my ear. His hand lingers on my neck and he leans into me, his lips stopping only centimeters from mine. "You were honestly mesmerizing out there," he whispers, before closing the remaining space between us and crashing his lips into mine.

* * *

Two hours and several shots later, I find myself in the backseat of Ryder's car. My breath hitches as I feel his thumb gently caress the lace of my bra that's directly over my nipple. It sends a spark through me that penetrates thru the euphoria of performing, and even has the power to jolt me from my drunken haze. I open my eyes and gently push him away from me. "I can't do this."

Ryder stares at me a moment, thoughtfully. "Why?" he asks me.

Rather than answer him, I adjust my shirt back into place.

"It's because of him, isn't it?"

I look away, trying to capture the euphoric feeling I had after my performance, but I can feel it slipping away, leaving me feeling even more empty than before.

* * *

 **A/N:** **Okay, please don't hate me! Obviously endgame is Bade. But there was a lot of episodes between The Worst Couple and Tori Fixes Beck and Jade. Please review!**


	4. I Don't Know How: Part Four

**A/N:** **Thank you Netflix for adding Victorious! I am finally able to add to this story since I was able to watch The Blonde Squad episode again. (I'm poor- no cable for me, and I only own the first season of Victorious.)**

 **As always, a huge thank you to all those who read, follow, favorite, pm, and/or review this story of mine.**

 **I have to send a shout out to my fanfiction bestie ABEDFAN for giving me much needed feedback on this chapter. I don't know what I would do without you My Matt!**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **I Don't Know How**

 **Part Four**

"Shit, shit, shit!" I scream out as I notice what time it is. Beck's movie is scheduled to start at seven. It's 6:50 when I open the doors of Hollywood Arts. Everyone associated with the film went out to dinner before hand and arrived as a group together almost an hour ago.

Well, everyone except me.

I explained to Beck that I had band rehearsal, and I already had to beg the band to talk to the management at The Gorilla Club to push back our usual start time by an hour, so we can take the stage at nine instead of eight o'clock. Plus I was exhausted from the show last night at the Intersection, and I also drank a little bit too much, so I knew I needed to take some time to relax between rehearsal and the movie premiere and my show tonight.

I'm sure I imagined it, but I thought for a minute I saw something that almost looked like regret in Beck's eyes when I told him I wasn't going to make the dinner tonight, but before I could blink his usual blank mask was back in place.

Pretty sure it was just wishful thinking on my part anyway. Why the hell would Beck care if I'm at the stupid dinner or not?

What I didn't plan on was falling asleep after rehearsal and getting to school almost an hour after the rest of the people involved with Beck's project.

"Sorry I'm late," I say, walking into the green room backstage.

"Yay, Jadey's here!" Cat squeals, turning away from Robbie, giving me a bright smile. "I **_told_** you guys there's no way that she would miss this."

"Does anyone know where my bag of birdseed for Larry went?" Andre asks frantically, after crawling out from under a makeup desk. "I thought I left it in here, but now it's just gone!"

"Why don't I help you look for it?" Vega asks, and gently leads an unhinged Andre out of the green room. I swear, Andre can be such a drama queen. No wonder he and Vega are such good friends.

"So yeah, we are going to help look too," Cat says awkwardly, walking away with a bundle of something in her hands. "Come on Robbie," she says, and he sighs dejectedly, and follows her out. If I wasn't so focused on Beck at the moment, I would wonder what the hell those two were up to. Because I am 99% sure it doesn't have anything to do with finding a missing bag of birdseed.

I glance around the now empty (aside from me and Beck) green room, and take a big breath and force myself to look at him.. "Look, Beck, I'm sorry I'm so late. Rehearsal ran over and-"

"Whatever Jade. I know what's a priority to you now," he says, his eyes darting around at everything but me, while he twirls the ends of his long scarf absentmindedly between his fingers. I blink in confusion as I notice he's wearing our matching necklace. Why the hell is he wearing that right now?

"Or maybe I should say who," he says.

"Uh- I feel asleep Beck," I say, totally distracted by what him wearing the necklace could mean. I haven't seen it on him since we broke up. "You know how I have sleep issues-"

"Is that what you're calling it these days?" he asks, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

The tone of his voice makes all thoughts of the necklace vanish and the curiosity is replaced with indignation. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I ask, narrowing my eyes at him.

"I don't have time for this right now," Beck says angrily, as he begins to walk towards the door.

"Beck?" I grab his arm and he spins around to face me, yanking his arm out of my grasp.

"I saw you guys Jade."

I look at him blankly. "Saw me and…..?"

"Last night."

"Oh." I say dumbly. I'm not exactly sure what he means. Is he talking about my show? Is he pissed I wrote a song about our breakup? He can't possibly know about what happened with Ryder and I after our show, I assure myself quickly.

Besides, even if he did know, I've got nothing to feel guilty for, right? He shouldn't care that I made out with Ryder. We broke up months ago.

"Beck- it's showtime!" Vega calls out from the open door. Beck just continues to stare at me for a beat.

"I'm not doing this right now," Beck says, and I see the tension and anger leave his face as he slides his mask back in place, before turning to look at Vega. "Thanks Tori- I'll go out and introduce the film. See you guys after the viewing," he says and strides out of the room without looking back at me.

I bite my lip, to keep from saying anything I'll regret. This is Beck's big film premiere. I'm so frustrated we ended up fighting right before he has to go onstage and introduce his film. How am I supposed to enjoy myself now?

"Uh, Jade?" Tori asks, pulling me from my thoughts. "You coming?"

I force myself to give her a small smile. "Yeah, of course."

Beck isn't the only one who's good at wearing a mask.

* * *

"Well, I guess we'll take a break from the film," Beck says, after watching the majority of the people get up and run out to see what all the commotion with the stupid bird was about.

I don't expect anything else from the majority of them, but to see Robbie and Vega run out on Beck was kind of surprising. Do they not realize how important this project is to him?

I watch Beck sigh and walk to the empty front row and sit down, bracing his elbows on his knees and putting his head in his hands.

I wonder if I should go up and talk to him, tell him how sorry I am. Say something. Anything.

"Beck, your film is _sooo_ funny!" one of the three girls from Northridge says to him. "And this whole bird thing- how crazy is that?"

"Yeah, come with us to see what's happening!" another one of them says, tugging on his arm.

He looks up at them. "Nah, I'm good. But you girls should go check it out. Get some more popcorn while you are at it," he says.

After a few moments of the Northridge trio trying to convince Beck to come with them and him flat out refusing, they finally give up and leave.

Beck turns around in his seat and watches them go, and his eyes sweep the otherwise empty Black Box Theater. His eyes stop roaming around the room when he notices me sitting a few rows behind him.

I smile at him tentatively and stand up and walk towards him. "We really gotta stop clearing out rooms like this," I tell him, walking up to stand beside his seat. "Second time this hour it has happened. This keeps happening, I'm going to start taking it personally."

Beck forces a weak smile. "How come you aren't leading the charge? I figured you'd be right in the thick of things. Larry could try to peck someone's eyes out or something. Maybe he'll shit in Tori's hair. I know you wouldn't want to miss that."

I roll my eyes. "The things I give up for you," I gently kick his leg with mine.

"Go on. I'm good," Beck says, standing up.

I cross my arms and continue looking at him, arching my right eyebrow.

"Okay, fine," he says after a full minute of continuous eye contact and silence. "Maybe not totally fine," he finally tears his eyes away from mine and looks at the ceiling. "This kind of really sucks."

"I know. For what it's worth, I'm sorry," I said, unsure if my apology is for what just happened to interrupt the showing of his film or for our argument earlier. Maybe it was a little bit of both.

"I just….I worked really hard on this project," he says, beginning to pace across the stage. "I get that Andre needs to catch that damn bird. But did he really have to make such a scene in the middle of the premiere? I've spent months on this short film, writing the script, designing and building the sets, working on the lighting, filming, editing….."

"I know," I say gently. Because I **_do_** know. Out of all the juniors at Hollywood Arts, only Beck and I have successfully written, designed, and directed our own short films. Usually it's only seniors who are able to do it, but our advanced creative writing teacher broke the long standing rules and allowed us to each make our own film this year.

"Tonight was supposed to make it all worth it," he gestures to the empty room, "and it got upstaged by a fucking bird!" he yells, and turns to look at me, his eyes brimming with fire.

It's not often Beck drops his mask and let's people see him upset. I haven't seen the true Beck Oliver in awhile. Not since before we broke up.

I walk up to him without even realizing I'm doing it. Before I know it I am slowly putting my arms around him and lay my head on his shoulder. "It's okay to be upset about this." I tell him quietly.

After a couple beats I feel him wrap his arms around me and squeeze, bringing my body flush with his. "Thank you," he says after a minute, and he leans his head back so we can look at each other, while our bodies are still connected.

"Jade, I," he closes his eyes, and looks away, and I can see him struggle to regain his cool facade.

"Jesus Beck, let go of your fucking self control for once!" I say, shoving him away from me in frustration. I absolutely hate that he is putting his guard up around me. Me, of all people.

"You want me to let go?" he asks me, closing the small gap I had just tried to put between us.

We both turn our heads to the open doors of the Blackbox Theater as we hear a commotion and people running in the hallway.

"Larry! Larry, come here! I've got the wig full of birdseed!" Andre screams as he runs down the hallway, wearing the blonde wig.

I turn back and look at Beck and note that his face is a blank slate again.

"Forget it," I tell him with a sigh.

"No," Beck says, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. His hand gently cups my cheek, and he slowly leans into me, until our lips are just centimeters apart. "This okay?" he asks me.

"I-"

"Jade!" Cat cries, looking like her normal self again, and runs into the Blackbox Theater, wiping her eyes. Beck and I quickly spring apart, and Cat throws her arms around me. "Evan just broke up with me!" she sobs into my shoulder.

* * *

 **A/N: I hope you all liked this chapter! I know I originally said that this was going to be a three part story, then a four part...Well I'm positive it is going to have at least one more chapter, if not two.**

 **Please, please review and let me know what you thought!**


	5. I Don't Know How Part Five

**A/N: I hope everyone had a great holiday season and a happy new year!**

 **Thank you to everyone who reads, follows, favorites, and reviews this story! I'm so glad that people are still reading Victorious fanfiction, and that there are people out there who love Jade's character as much as I do.**

 **Enjoy?**

* * *

 **I Don't Know How**

 **Part Five**

"Are you sure you don't want to go hang with the rest of the band at the bar?" Ryder asks me as he pulls into Shapiro's driveway.

"Eh, that's okay," I tell him, glancing back at my phone. Beck has sent me about five different texts asking if I was coming to the after party for his film (Robbie's mom is out of town for the weekend.)

"I bet it would be more fun than some lame high school party," Ryder says, parking his car.

"I'd rather not press my luck with the whole fake ID thing. Besides, this isn't just _any_ party. It's celebrating Beck's short film," I tell him, opening the car door and grabbing my almost empty bottle of vanilla vodka.

"So you're here for Beck?" Ryder asks.

"I'm here because I was part of the film," I tell him.

"It's funny. I never guessed you to be one to chase after a guy West."

"Whatever," I slam Ryder's car door.

"Oh no. You aren't getting rid of me that easy Jade," Ryder says, getting out of the car and putting the keys in his pocket. I roll my eyes in annoyance. "You told me to keep an eye on you so you wouldn't do anything stupid tonight."

"Yeah, I meant stupid like stay at the bar," I tell him, mentally kicking myself for asking Ryder Daniels for help with anything. What the hell was I thinking? I was just freaked out over what almost happened between me and Beck before we were interrupted by Cat.

Now that I think about, having Ryder here as a buffer isn't exactly my best plan. I shake my head at the memory of us in the backseat of his car last night. I refuse to feel guilty for that.

"No, you meant stupid like run back to your ex like a lost little puppy," Ryder retorts, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"I'm no fucking puppy Daniels," I walk up to him, giving him the patented Jade West death glare.

Ryder holds up his hands in surrender. "Never said you were. You're the one who asked me to stick with you tonight, remember?" he asks me. "And for some reason I can't figure out, I agreed to come with you."

"Yeah, after I pointed out there was sure to be some Northridge sluts here tonight," I remind him.

"Well, how could I say no to that?"

"Ugh, you're such a man whore," I shove him and walk up to Shapiro's front door.

"You love it," Ryder grins.

"Some of us have a little self respect," I tell him. "Besides, I need to check on Cat."

"Whatever West. I'm just wondering how long it's going to take you to stop being at his beck and call," Ryder says, walking up behind me. "He texts you a few times, and you immediately have to rush to the party."

"Shut up Daniels."

I've been replaying what happened early tonight between Beck and I over and over again in my head. What would have happened if Cat hadn't come barging in? And then Beck kept texting me, asking if I'm coming to the party. He was texting me consistently every fifteen minutes. And then, silence.

I'm not sure what that means.

So yeah, maybe I did want to get over to the party as soon as our show ended. That doesn't mean anything.

(Yeah, right.)

I take a deep breath and open the front door and immediately spot Vega, of all people.

"Jade!" she shouts, and then turns around. "Jade's here!" she yells to nobody in particular. She turns back to me and wrinkles her nose once she spots Daniels. "Ew, why did you bring Ryder here?"

"It's nice to see you too Tori," Ryder says, smiling. "You've still got those cute cheekbones," he says, with a wink, leaving Tori's mouth wide open. "You said there's a keg?" Ryder turns and asks me, shouting over Robbie singing "Uptown Girl" with the karaoke machine.

"That's what I was told," I tell him. "It's probably in the kitchen. That way," I point it out to him and he leaves.

"I'm glad you came! Beck's been asking if you were going to come like, all night," Vega nudges my side with her elbow. "What's that about, huh?" she asks, taking a sip of her beer.

"Yeah, any idea where he is?" I blatantly ignore her question.

Not like I have any idea how to answer it anyway.

"Somewhere," Vega shrugs, and begins to dance to someone butchering a Ginger Fox song.

"I wanted to check on Cat. How is she doing?" I ask Vega.

"She actually already went home. She told me to tell you to call her tomorrow," Vega tells me. "She said she was going to bed."

Well, that explains why she isn't answering her phone then.

I wander away from a very tipsy Vega and start scanning the room, searching for Beck.

"Hey Jade!" Beck leaves the semi circle of girls he'd been talking to and walks up and me and swings his arm around my shoulder. "You finally made it!"

"I'm not _that_ late," I can't help but smile at him, he looks so happy. "How did the rest of the viewing go for the film? Sorry I had to cut out early," I tell him.

"That's okay," he says. We get bumped into by Shapiro and some of the techies who worked on the film and they dart past us. "Can we go somewhere and talk?" he asks me.

"Uh, sure," I tell him, and try not to panic as he guides me over the corner of the living room, where we have some relative privacy. I tell myself that I'm not disappointed that he didn't take me into one of the bedrooms upstairs.

"So, I wanted to thank you for earlier today," Beck says, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "You were there for me when I needed you. I- I didn't expect that," he takes a drink from the beer he is holding. "So thanks." he says, and then takes a deep breath. I nod my head, silently encouraging him to go on. "And I also wanted to apologize to you," he says, dropping his arm.

"Apologize for what?" I ask, a little confused. That is not what I expected to hear next.

"For almost kissing you," he tells me. "It's like, I just kinda forgot we weren't together for a minute," he says sheepishly.

"Oh," I say mechanically, my heart dropping.

We didn't even kiss and he regrets it. Even though I knew it meant nothing, it still hurts to hear him say it.

"I just- I didn't want things to get all weird," Beck gestures his hands, "between us."

I can't help but let out a short sarcastic laugh. "Yeah, cause things aren't weird between us at all."

"Well, I didn't want them getting any weirder," he says. "We okay Jade?" he asks me after a minute, slightly raising his eyebrows.

I swallow and force all the hurt feelings down, refusing to let him know I had even an inkling of hope of rekindling anything. "We're fine," I assure him, and force myself to smile. "I have to go find Vega," I tell him, and immediately turn from him and go into the kitchen.

"How'd it go?" Ryder asks me, watching as I take a couple big gulps out of my vodka bottle and drain it. "That well, huh?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I tell him, and Ryder grabs the empty bottle from my hands and sets it on the kitchen counter.

"Why don't we get out of here?" Ryder asks me.

"I'm not going to run away with my tail between my legs," I tell him.

The music suddenly changes, someone must have put a stop to the god-awful karaoke and put on some club music.

"Let's dance," I grab Ryder's hand and lead him out into the living room, and weave through a crowd of people until I find an open spot. I spin around so my back is pressed up against his front, and begin to move my hips sensually to the music, determined to erase all memory of the kiss I almost shared with Beck earlier. He's not the only guy that can make me feel good. Ryder proved that the last night.

Ryder suddenly tightens his grip on my hips and pulls me in even closer. "What are you playing at Jade?"

I lean my head back onto his shoulder and look him in the eyes. "Who said I'm playing anything?" I ask, and wiggle my ass against his groin.

I hear him groan and can literally feel his enthusiasm growing as I continue to rub my backside on him. This is what I want. Not Beck. Not a relationship. No feelings attached.

"God, you are so fucking hot Jade," Ryder whispers into my ear, and then he bites my neck. I can't help but moan at the contact.

"So I'm not a lost little puppy?" I ask, spinning around to face him, throwing my hands over his shoulders.

He pulls me into him. "Not even a little bit," he says, and then leans down and kisses me.

Suddenly Ryder is ripped away from me, and I see Beck's snarling face. "Get your hands off of her!" Beck shouts.

* * *

 **A/N: Don't you just love cliffhangers? :) There will be one more chapter to this story. Please review and let me know what you think!**


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